a poem a day for a year #93

by Amy Turn Sharp


when my husband shoots videos of the family
I always try and look very happy
I try to smile and appear lovely and put together
because ever since I have had children
I imagine the videos being shown after my death
what if it is an early death?
what if it happens too soon
car crash
terminal bullshit
ladder fall
heart explosion

and the videos of my hair still blonde and shiny
my mouth full and red
are projected onto a brick wall at a church or a pub
at some wake
some ceremony
and I am not smiling enough
and I am not giving good face
everyone will cry
the video will be set to sad good music
made to make our shoulders shake
our faces cry
it's what we do
we keep looking back
and it's so so pretty

this is a real problem
I am afraid to die
I don't want to leave you
I don't want to go until I do all the good things
I am supposed to do

when he pulls the video camera out
I am like an Amish person
distracted by the idea of my face
like a sin
like a romantic death graven image
I want to scream out and shake my fist
I want to yell like a drama queen into the tiny screen
ugly and true


I LOVE YOU

I AM SORRY

RUN TO LOVE

DO BAD THINGS

EAT THE WORLD

KISS ALL THE PEOPLE

FIND HOPE WHEREVER YOU CAN

like messages to the future
but I don't
I just smile like a sweet mother
I just shake my shiny hair
and make movies
for you
for the day I die