I took one of those depression screening tests online and
my monitor flashed like a rock and roll dynamite winner
and I remember the day that I heard the word dichotomy in a classroom
and my head pulsated and I looked out the rural window
and met eyes with a squirrel
all dark and tiny and nervous
and I gasped because I gave that squirrel my thoughts
like a transfer through glass and sunshine and air
There is something wrong with me
There has always been this part of me that is so good
that you want to bottle me up and drink me
but the other part is nothing like that
like holding a penny under the tongue
but it's the place where
the words live
nowadays I go to the lap pool and swim for a long time
to seesaw fix myself
under the water I sometimes cry and make noises that come from bittersweet roots
I scream underwater
you can
do that
and if the old man in the small blue trunks looks sideways at me again
because he hears it
as he side strokes to good health
I will just do what I always do
climb out of the pool
tug my bathing suit bottoms out of my ass
and wink at him
throw all my sunshine around the room and
tell everyone later at the coffeehouse
that the chlorine was strong today
that my eyes are so sensitive
they are Nordic eyes
I am a sad Swede
I am a happy American
.
And I keep pushing the stroller into the future