We walked the rain today and the library was especially full of gifts and goodies and everywhere we turned there were books and Cd's we wanted. All was great until Finn acted like he was three years old (Oh yes- he is) and screamed and stomped and kicked and fell to the ground in agony when someone else (how dare them!) pushed the handicap button that makes the door purr open...I tried to reason with him (I am dumb) and explain that he could push it next time...Nope- the wailing began again in the middle of the lobby and the eyes darted to us...I told him to be quiet and reminded him where we stood.
Shh. Library voices. Shh.
He was relentless and I should have not expected him to come over to me and work it out...I should not have. I snapped and grabbed his arm and pushed the door open with the stroller and basically looked like a frazzled freak. I raised my voice as I had just reprimanded him for and said, "Finnian move!".
I knew I had hurt his tiny arm. Not hurt really in the sense of damage, but hurt more in the sense of disappointment and shock. He cried for a bit outside as he hugged me tighter than he had in days and I felt the guilt wash down my head and into my tense shoulders and it pulled me down to a squat. Down to his level. He took my cheeks by his soft small hands and told me that he loved me, but I hurt his feelings. Shit. I know. I apologized to him on the pavement and thought about no matter how many times I keep messing up...I am learning.
I am learning to say sorry.
I am learning to love him and the other boys around me like they want to be loved.
I am learning but it stings.
We took out the camera and shot some pics and tried out our new rain boots. Things got better quickly...
Finn taking photos as we cross the rainy wet Tuesday street.
Finn says the blue on this fireman hook up (his words) is lovely. He is so like Joe. Its lovely that they use that word so much.