Last night I banished the boys upstairs and cleaned up a bit with music blasting.
I wanted to be alone. I craved it really. I turned Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah up so loudly that I think my neighbors heard it. I placed it on repeat and let go. I screamed out the words while I washed dishes and when it was all over I felt so much better. We all know how to calibrate ourselves at the most base level. I must be alone and I must move creatively.
I think something cool happened yesterday. For years I have been searching for a quote I could only half remember. You know when you read something and then you forget the actual words and only recall the emotional response of it?
When you can not fully pull the rabbit from the hat and intermittently over the course of forgetting and remembering you stay in a sort of tip of the tongue dead air space? Like lyrics that won't come or faces who have no names?
Well, a long time ago I read this quote that I later sorta wanted to slice through a particular time in my life with. I knew that these words existed and I knew that they explained how I was feeling, but I couldn't remember them. This was over a decade ago and sometimes I would think of that quote for a second only to be annoyed that I could never have recall.
Well, life surely moved at a rapid pace and it all doesn't matter anymore.
Well, cleaning out a box that I have touched a million times fell a slip of paper.
The paper had a Mary Gordon quote on it.
"The sickening sense that you have betrayed someone simpler, finer than yourself.
The truth that for a certain time, it was right to say you loved them.
Realizing too that while you never thought of them, your face was always in their heart, behind their eyes."
And then like time had never passed I felt sad and horrid all over again at the thought of breaking someones heart. Even when we are very old I think if our hearts are good we will remember all of the good and bad that our hearts saw.
I think there really are little places in our hearts where people live forever.
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah